Savvy Tokyo's resident "Love in Japan" columnist, Hilary Keyes, answers anonymous questions from readers on everything from dating in Japan to women’s health issues. Got a question you’d like to ask Hilary? Send it to askhilary@savvytokyo.com.
Hey Hilary,
I am a dating app junkie, I can admit that. I work weird hours, I’m not allowed to date my coworkers/clients (guess what industry I work in!), and my Japanese isn’t that great. I’ve chatted to lots of people on the apps, but I haven’t had a single date come out of the conversations. It’s like no matter how great we get along online things just fade out after like a week. What gives?
—Dateless
Hi Hilary,
I’ve been single for a while and started back into the dating scene this year. I’m mostly using apps since I’m not a big bar or nightclub type, but I’m finding it really hard to find men that aren’t obsessed with talking about sex. It’s like every guy on these apps is just looking for a hook-up. I don’t have a problem talking about sex if I’m in a relationship with someone, but that’s not small talk to me. Why is it like this?
—R18 Adverse
Dear Dateless and R18 Adverse,
I thought I would combine your two questions because, unfortunately, you’re both suffering from similar issues. Though part of a wider, global trend, some of what is wrong with dating apps does have Japan-specific effects.
In Japan, there are essentially two types of dating apps: one to find a marriage partner and one to find someone.
Marriage partner apps are designed for those that want to get married—marriage is the goal, not an eventual step in the relationship. As such, they tend to have more rigid requirements for applicants. You are often required to prove that you’ve never been married before, proof of your income and address. Many charge a fee even for basic services, and others may include both matching via an algorithm then a consultation with a human match-maker to make sure your potential partner and you are compatible.
Deai-kei apps (出会い系 ‘matching apps’) such as Tinder and Bumble, for example, are meant to introduce you to people. You and someone else match if you both ‘like’ one another, and you have a conversation from there. Whatever comes from that initial match is up to the participants.
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8 Comments
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Gaijinjland
Dating apps in Japan are great if you’re not looking to connect with a Japanese girl. Didn’t have a lot to do during the pandemic and had really bad experiences chatting/ meeting a few Japanese girls. Then I was like screw it, seems to be more foreign girls on these apps in Japan anyway so thought there would be a better chance of meeting a “normal” girl. Happily married. And as terrible as it sounds, living in Japan, I am so much happier not having to speak or deal with Japanese anything when I go home at night. Totally relaxing.
David Brent
I got fed up with talking with photos of cakes, backs of heads, flowers, dogs….I mean, why bother joining a dating app if you’re too scared to even share a photo of yourself?
Redemption
Try grindr.
tora
Just tried it. For some reason a lot of non-hetrosexuals tried picking me up. Thanks though. Will continue the search.
Nicolò
Why don't you use your privilege off line?
If you're a western woman just go to places where englishwashed Japanese often gather such as TGIF. High chance to be spoken by Japanese men in English. If you're a western man hit girls anyway and push push push. Japanese women are easily impressed by your muscularity and may think it's not a bad idea to show off a tall English speaking boyfriend to her friends. If you're non westerners give up.
tora
The restaurant? Never seen anybody pick anybody up there. Just the usual groups of same sex young women each staring into their devices, or people sitting in isolation, also staring at their phones, no doubt on some of the very dating apps mentioned in this article. Sad.
Nicolò
My apologies. I exaggerated and didn't their shyness into account... Why don't you ask them some questions like good local places to visit pretending a foreign tourist. The whole point is in such places, TGIF just an example, people are actually expecting a chance to have English conversations and don't mind being talked to by foreign weirdos out of the blue.
CuteUsagi
Put the hones away and go to the food store. If no kid in tow and no ring on the finger hit up a conversation.